Can’t Seem To Find My Way

Having turned 50 this year has brought on an entirely new way of looking at things in my life. A fresh vantage point if you will. Seeing things in a new manner presents both good and bad recollection and hope. Wishing I had the years back that were wasted while also being thankful for the knowledge gained. All the while wondering if there is in fact an answer.

In my younger years I recall the lad with fight and vigor that questioned all he did not understand. He would continue his plight until an answer (or a thought that would pacify) was found. Refusal to accept status quo was the order of the day. It was all about the journey. Finding the answer at times seemed secondary. Sometimes even totally forgotten. To carry on the fight was all that mattered. If I recall correctly winning even became somewhat unimportant. But being in the battle meant everything. Wearing our scares with pride. Sometimes gathering to compare battle wounds was something we all looked forward to.

After a few years on the front the angst began to fade somewhat. Acceptance looked oh so much better each and every day. One had to look deeply for the fire that once guided each and every move you made. It was still there but a bit harder to stoke. It now took a concentrated effort to get the fire blazing once again. But believe me it could be done

All signs seemed to point to “The path of least resistance”, but not being ready to take the exit I continued to search. At times it seemed like a lost cause at best. But I refused to let it die. Because I truly believed that I would die with it. The cause was the very core of my being. But to this day I have yet to identify what the “cause” is or what it really means. Seems a bit strange to dedicate ones life to something they can’t even identify. But the fear of losing what you may think you live for can send one into frenzy.

Another decade goes by and retrospect is the order of the day. A continuous thought process of “what if I had done this”…would things be different. It can be a healthy exercise from the learning from ones mistakes point of view but, to continue to second guess yourself hardly seems like a positive thing. But this reasoning does not change the process. The ability to see what is happening enables one to cope with it.

On to the next step. 50 Years old….long line of mistakes…some things done right also…What’s next? What a question. You would think after so many things happening that one could use the powers of deduction to choose the correct path. Well that’s what I was counting on…But it ain’t the case. Some things never change. I do have a “database” of things to reflect upon but the decision is still up to me. The problem or the solution…once again.

So with all that in mind I will continue to fight for the answers. May take a bit longer to get to the line these days, but trust me…I’ll be there. You may also get to the other end of the battlefield a bit quicker…but guess what…I’ be there…When it’s all said and done and people speak of our memories…when they speak of me they will say…He was always there.