Progression of Mind

In the years gone by I have noticed how much my general mood has turned to compassion. Looking at things from the other point of view and trying to understand another’s vantage point. A trait I wish that I would have developed much earlier in life. The ability to understand the way I was viewed would have made life much simpler.

Growing up a loner has advantages as well as disadvantages. While you have no one to count on or to share with, conversely there is no one to disappoint either. Weather it be you or they. In retrospect I believe that it is not the way to go, but at the time there did not seem to be a choice. It seemed to be the only option to me.

Over the years I have found many ways to channel my energy. My love of music led to participation in a band. Writing songs and truly enjoying the beauty of making music. I played in front of crowds in bars and parks and once even appeared on TV. Never got famous but I did enjoy the ride. By the way, the TV appearance was a local public access station but it was still TV.

At the age of thirteen I started the study of Martial Arts. Okinawain Shito-Ryu. I received my Black Belt ranking on my sixteenth birthday. I then went on to fight in competition and taught full time for a few years.

Then after a period of fighting and taking the blows I entered the corporate world as a draftsman in an Engineering firm. I worked my way up the ladder to become Operations Manager in a three year period. After which I went into the sales/marketing aspect of the business. I had found my calling. Traveling around the country to find business for the firm. Living what I thought was a good life. Never thinking about tomorrow or yesterday. It was all about the present. The good times seemed to be a newfound oasis. Friends and money were always right there. The thought of it ending never crossed my mind.

All habits developed along the way did not recognize then end of the era. The money had to continue or it all would end. Guess what…it ended. The parties became few and far between and the friends started to fade. The phone did not ring as much as it used to. The country and the economy were in a transition and so was I. My short ride to the top of the hill had ended. I handled it very poorly.

Substance abuse seemed to be the answer. It would ease the pain until it wore off. The logic being not to let it wear off. Booze, pills and powders where the entree’s served on what became a daily basis. Walking a tightrope. Each time the pain would surface you just had to self medicate. What a concept. Until the rope snaps.

When it snaps you lose it all. Job, family, money, friends, self respect, all are lost in what seems to be a blink of the eye. Actually it took quite some time but you are not able to see that until you return to some sense of reality. In the final stages you see it coming. Everything you had you can see in the bottom of your glass just before you justify another drink in your mind.

The road back ain’t no bargain either. Regrets and questioning consume every thought. Some understand, some don’t. That is secondary to the battle. It’s been a year now for me since I woke up in the hospital. The quest continues…I’ll get back at ya.